Motivation comes afterwards

This year has been full of changes and personal struggles. I try to help myself in different ways: cook high quality food, sleep well, write (publicly and privately), read good books, workout, spend time with friends. And yet, shitty days cannot be avoided.

Sadness, anger, and even resentment are triggered by the most unexpected and completely unrelated events. It is frustrating and even paralysing at times. However, no matter how painful it might be, I do my best to embrace those feelings instead of numbing myself.

Looking back, it is clear my life is the result of my own past decisions. Accepting full responsibility is very painful, but necessary. Otherwise, we keep taking the same wrong paths and then complain about life's unfairness.

Pain is an invitation to change. But nobody likes pain.

Paradoxically, my knee-jerk reaction to painful experiences is to stop doing what I know is good for me. The motivation is gone, and old habits slowly creep in. YouTube binge, eat shitty food, alcohol consumption, go to bed late (and wake up late), skipping morning stretch and meditation, isolation, stop writing and reading, shitty talking, and the list goes on.

That path leads to a very ugly place where it is hard to get out. So, I choose to experience the pain fully. The painful feelings caused by my own ignorance instead of the numbing effect of a fake self-reassurance spawned from a delusional mind, a mind capable of crafting a twisted narrative where I'm always a victim.

So, despite the lack of motivation, I get up when the alarm goes off, avoid the cookies' section at the grocery shop, remove the opportunities of mindless scrolling on my devices, open the editor and write this post. The motivation comes afterwards.